i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
