I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
