On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize