I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
