Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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