I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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