DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
