So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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