i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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