he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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