You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
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