....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
