I wish I could punch you in the face.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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