this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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