I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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