I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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