theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize