i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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