What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
This couple is walking their pig around campus
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
