Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
why do cheetos always look like penises
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
