Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
