My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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