You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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