just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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