I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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