so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
