I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
