The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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