found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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