life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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