dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She bit a glass in half.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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