I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
