Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
birth control should be required to get into college
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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