Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
