You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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