If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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