Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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