I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
