And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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