I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
