Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
