somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Everyone says I win the strip club
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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