I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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