I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
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