I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
