i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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