you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize