Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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