Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
