just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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