Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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