Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
