I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
