these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
