take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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