I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
