Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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