I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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