I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
