but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
