Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
