Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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