I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
