so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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